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A frightened mind

the clock pulses on the wall, signalling the seconds I'm wasting being awake when I could be at peace

but its not my fault

the doctor assured me, promised me, calmed me

its not my fault

I am not to blame for my restless mind

I cannot blame myself for the fact it does not sleep despite the rest of me begging for silence

I cannot blame myself for the twisting and turning as I try to find comfort beneath my sheets

I cannot blame myself for the fear I feel as I stare at the shapes scattered around my room in the dark, designed to scare me

but I want to...

who else is there to blame when I wake no more than a hour after I first drifted to sleep, when I wake again and again and again through the night and into the morning

what is a 'good night sleep'?

why am I refused the joy of drifting into a heavy slumber while others are free to relax, lay back and allow their minds to wander

I too want to sleep through the night, just once, start to finish and not feel the tugging of alertness drag me back to consciousness before my alarm clock signals i'm ready

you are so lucky

you never have to feel the pain of never truly being rested

of a body that longs for rest and a mind that longs for torment

for you, the moment you lay your head back your mind begins to rock itself into a sleep so deep it can conjure dreams from your distant memories and play movies to you in your head while your body rests and recovers

for me, i will lay my head back not once but maybe twelve times, my mind will rock itself gently at first then suddenly as if it is in a raging storm then gently again. It will play me unfinished reels of tapes, half stories and part dreams and then claim that it is enough

but its not enough

for every night i end up where I am right now, listening to the clock on the wall signal the time I am missing out on rest

but there is nothing I can do, the mind wants what it wants and it so desires for me to be drowned in the pain of being awake when I so desperately want to sleep

for that is my torture, my karma and my shackles

to be awake, always

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