Updated: Dec 23, 2019
I wish you could have understood how I felt that day.
If only you could have seen me, pushing furniture around the room, not twelve hours after the end of an era, re-centring myself in preparation for the storm that never came.
The curtains brushed slightly against the window panes but no gale force wind shook them off their holders. The earth felt like it might have shifted an inch or so but no cracks embedded themselves beneath my feet.
I felt myself tensing, at nine at night, sitting atop my bed and staring around at the newly designed room around me.
In moments I felt that I would feel it, the pain, the realisation of what I had lost.
It would come crashing down on me in a sudden rush of movement and I would be unable to move for days while I recovered.
But then it didn't.
There was no torrential rain, no howling winds, no aching heart needing heartbreak songs to hold it together. I felt no craving for ice-cream or desire to sit in the warmth of my shower and cry.
The sheets still smell like you, but for how long I can't say. The house has your fingerprints etched on every wall but they look like those left by a guest who overstayed their welcome, not belonging to one who's heart I once cupped in my hands.
On the shelf above the laundry sink I think I'll put my heart, in a small dark jar labelled 'do not disturb' until I feel it has had the chance to mend. To replace band aids with plaster and patch up the cracks with my own love from my own body to my own soul.
I'll fill the house with flowers, let my dog sleep in my room at the foot of my bed and read thousands of novels until I truly believe I have done the right thing by letting you go.
Because it was the right thing.
Just like the flowers I will scatter throughout my new home I too will grow. I will learn to wake up and rely on only myself to get through the day. I will smile at my reflection until I sense it smile back and I will relax.
I will allow myself to breathe. To end the search for my one true love until I am satisfied that my love for myself is strong enough.
And I'm sorry.
Because although the torrential rain and howling winds sailed past my front door I know they are battering down yours. I know the ground beneath your feet is crumbling and the curtains are dancing in sharp flicks from their holders and you feel like the pain may truly crush you.
But I want you to know, I handed your heart back the morning you drove away.
You might not have noticed me gently strapping it into the back seat but it's still there. Safely stowed away until your ready to begin to mend it.
I can only hope that one day you will understand how it felt for me that day.
To move the furniture, wait for the storm and have it sail away.
It's not your fault you know. It wasn't timing or cruelty that pushed me away. You have always been the right person.
But just made for the wrong me.